Gaining perspective on my dating habits has been a long journey.
In order to truly grow and change, I have had to cultivate a loving and respectful relationship with myself.
After all, you’re not that great with intimacy yourself, so dating an unavailable guy gives you the space you knowingly or unknowingly need. But make sure you are being genuine and free of ulterior motives. Plus: I Don’t Regret Cheating The Pattern: You lock eyes across a crowded room and feel magnetically drawn to him.
Your heart races, your breath catches in your chest, and all you want to do is rip his clothes off. There is never a lull in the conversation; you could talk for hours and hours so you do, and your date extends from a having one drink into the night and maybe even the next day.
During Bustle's App-less April, a challenge to date without apps for 30 days, I pushed myself outside my comfort zone and hit the delete button on all of my dating apps.
I felt so empowered by the challenge that I took it a step further and decided to take a break entirely from dating.
Ironically, the very behaviors you engage in to get into a healthy, loving, committed relationship do just the opposite, leaving you in tremendous pain and feeling like you’re destined to be alone forever.
Instead of lying in bed reliving a yummy date, go out to brunch with a friend. As uncomfortable as it might be, try to have a conversation about what’s actually going on between you rather than indefinitely staying in a fantasy relationship with him. It’s masochistic to be involved with a guy who’s not truly available for a relationship with you, whether it’s because he has a girlfriend, a wife, or just issues. The morning after a date you text him, “Thanks so much for last night, it was amazing! You feel like you have to plot out every step of this relationship and without your constant vigilance, it will wither away and die. You are not really in control anyway, even though you think you are.
At work, you bump into cabinets and space out during meetings because you’re so intoxicated by fantasies of this guy. Your attention span is shot and you can only keep your mind off him long enough to read a Tweet. How To Break It: Make a rule for yourself: No Fantasy.
This is hard because we have no control over where our minds roam.
I exuded an energy of self-loathing and negativity, and I attracted partners who only reinforced it.
I allowed my partners to dictate to me how I dressed, how I acted, how I spoke, because I did not love and accept myself.
Or maybe you don’t deliberately seek out unavailable men, but find that all the guys you’re inexplicably drawn to are already taken. If a man is newly separated or going through a divorce, chances are he’s unavailable. Before you text him to thank him for a date, check-in with yourself and notice what your true motivation is. Warning: Some relationships wither and die when you stop making all the moves.